First Book: Fear of Intimacy

First book on my stack is Fear of Intimacy by Robert W. Firestone and Joyce Catlett.

The introduction and first chapter of this book talk about how people are often afraid of love and acceptance.  It goes against the grain, so to speak.  People have a hard time with positive feedback.  It's so much easier to accept negative or critical feedback.  People have a negative attitude toward themselves and it's hard to accept that someone could think otherwise. 

"... people are faced with a basic dilemma:  They must choose between investing in relationships and remaining vulnerable to possible loss and rejection, or attempting to protect themselves by retreating to an inward, defensive posture."

This quote really hit home with me.  My natural instinct is to protect myself.  Opening up in a relationship, sticking it out when the times get tough, investing time and heart does leave you vulnerable.  How do you know you have chosen the right person to invest in?  In tough times do you invest more make it work, or is it  sign that you are with the wrong person? 

One past relationship, I did try to open up my heart and soul to.  I was paid back in return by being cheated on with his ex.  With a promise that it will never happen again, I continued to invest in this relationship. The promise was then repeately broken with the same ex, and then again with a new person.  Can't help but think... "what made them better than me?" ... "what did I do wrong?" ... "am I worthy of something better?"

Thus, new relationships are hard to react in a non-defensive posture.  Easy to think less of oneself after a relationship like that.

"Our basic sense of self is formed originally in  relationship constellation tt predisposes our attitudes toward ourselves, others, and the world at large."

The whole first chapter of this book is on how people view relationships.  Group discussion from the study done the authors was recorded.  The group tended to feel that relationships unstable, rule your life, full of lies, based on desception and desperation.  Love is often confused with sex.  And we often view ourselves as failures if we can't find a mate.

Some people make big lies, some only small.  Especially in the beginning of relationships.  We want to seem cooler, smarter, more fun and exciting than we really are so we lie.  You want the other person to like and love you so bad, that it seems worth it.  Want to say what the other person wants to hear to keep them happy.  It's so easy to do... we've all done it.  Does that make it right?  No. 

Women often play "games" that are based in lies.  Play like they aren't too interested in a person to make the other person more interested.  We call it "playing hard to get".  It's typically socially acceptable as something you do.

Don't always want to be honest once you are in a relationship too.  Sometimes it may seem like the best plan of action to tell white lies on how you feel about something.  Don't want to disagree or cause an argument.  I am guilty of this.  I hate arguments and general conflict.  Can seem like the best idea to avoid them at all costs,  even if that means not being happy.  Which can lead to more lies to pretend like you are happy or content with whatever it was you originally weren't okay with, but pretended that you were.  This eventually blows up though, or at least it does for me.  After a while, you loose the ability to keep pretending and snap.  Does not make for a stable relationship.

To discuss the desperation factor... no one want to be alone.  Some more than others.  Plus, as you get older the greater the pressure to be in a serious relionship, to get married, have kids, etc.  After a certain point it becomes socially strange if you aren't married or on a good path toward marriage.  This can all lead to people settleing for someone who may not be the best choice for them.  May choose the small number of people they already know, rather than looking farther to find that "perfect" someone they really click with.

My question.. how do you really know that you click with someone?  Obviously you won't click 100% with any one person. But then the differences are what keeps things interesting, right? Mutual respect of each others differences is needed, I think, to make it work.

So then, what if you are sexually compatible?  I think this can lead to the confusion of sex and love. 

"When an initial strong sexual attraction is followed by a period of distress or conflict, it is often indicative of a relationship that has been formed based on feelings of inadequacy."

"... the combnation of love and sexuality can precipitate separation anxiety. ... the sex act itself is a real, but temporary, physical connection followed by a sharp separation.  Physical intimacy manifested by close, affectionate contact is followed by a distinct awareness of boundaries.  These separatons often foster resentment, although the anger and hostilty can be unconsious."

Sex can complicate any situation.  Especially if it's good sex and you are physically attracted to eah other.  It can blind you to all that may be wrong with the relationship.  Even bad sex can confuse things.  I stayed in bad relationship far too long because, among her reasons, of the sex.  Easy to confuse sex with love. 

Well... that's all for the introduction and first chapter.  Relationships are complicated.  What I really got out of this so far is that we need to work on ourselves first in order to have a good, healthy, happy relationship.  I sure have a lot of work to do...

Introduction

I am a woman in the IT field looking to understand relationships and love.  IT isn't exactly known for people with the best relationship or social skills.  I am making a new goal to learn all I can about relationships, love, and communication.  All things I need help with.

To accomplish this I have a stack of books on various aspects of these topics.  This blog will be used to summarize the books and what I have learned.