Love Is...

So... how does love feel?  Real love.  Here's what I think love feels like:

• You would do anything for that person without thinking twice
• You would give anything for that person without thinking twice
• You want to be around that person all the time
• Your heart is naturally drawn toward them
• You get some flutters in your heart
• That other person brightens your day just by being around you or talking to you when they can't be near
• You want to show you are thinking of them, care for them, etc.
• You would choose that person over anyone else
• You can't picture your life without that person
• That person makes you smile that deep beautiful smile without even trying
• You want to show them love in the traditional sense... hugs, kisses, and so forth...

I found this list online for love too that I think is great.
http://pure-essence.net/fun/cute-and-fun/you-know-its-love-when/

I like this point from that list best:

"Remember that you don’t choose love. LOVE CHOOSES YOU. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in anyway you can. This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them. Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do."

The Origin of Love

Thanks to Sara for pointing me to this.

When the earth was still flat
And clouds made of fire
And mountains stretched up to the sky
Sometimes higher
Folks roamed the earth like big rolling kegs
They had two sets of arms
They had two sets of legs
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read
And they never knew nothing of love
It was before the origin of love
The origin of love

And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back
Called the children of the sun
And similiar in shape and girth
Was the children of the earth
They looked like two girls rolled up in one
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork stuck on a spoon
They were part sun, part earth, part daughter, part son
The origin of love

Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said "I'm gonna kill them all with my hammer
Like I killed the giants"
But the Zeus said "No
You better let me use my lightning like scissors
Like I cut the legs off the whales
Dinosaurs into lizards"
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh
Said "I'll split them right down the middle
Gonna cut them right up in half"
And the storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire.

And then fire shot down from the sky in bolts
Like shining blades of a knife
And it ripped right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun and the moon
And the earth
And some Indian god sewed the wound up
Into a hole
Pulled it 'round to our bellies
To remind us the price we pay
And Osiris and the gods of the nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane
To scatter us away
in a flood of wind and rain
And a sea of tidal waves
To wash us all away
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
We'll be hopping around on one foot
And looking through one eye

Last time I saw you
We just split in two
You was looking at me
I was looking at you
You had a way so familiar
But I could not recognize
'cause you had blood in your face
And I had blood in my eyes
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine
That's the pain
That cuts a straight line down through the heart
We call it love
We wrapped our arms around each other
Trying to shove ourselves back together
We were making love
Making love
It was a cold dark evening such a long time ago
When by the mighty hand of Jove
It was a sad story how we became
Lonely two-legged creatures
It's the story
The origin of love
That's the origin of love.

Gender Graphic

Men Have Feelings Too

Sometimes our "modern" culture really bothers me.  What does our culture teach us about gender roles?  Girls are still raised and taught to be sweet and nice -- "sugar and spice and everything nice."  Girls are not supposed to get dirty or play rough.  Girls are given dolls to play with, often baby dolls.  Boys are rough, tough and dirty -- "boys will be boys."  Boys are told to go play outside and are expected to climb trees, play in the mud and get into trouble.

As boys and girls grow older, we "learn" that girls are sensitive and emotional, talk a lot, and will often want to combine the two by talking about how they feel.  We also "learn" that boys are incapable of talking about their emotions, they are tough and don't get hurt feelings.  Is this reality though or just what we are trained to believe and ultimately conform to?  Nature verses nurture...

I believe this is more nurture than nature.  There are other societies where men are allowed to be sensitive and emotional.  These traits can even be viewed as a strength in both genders.  I think our general cultural belief that men are not supposed to be this way actually hurts us more than we realize.  Men are forced into a box of "masculinity" where they are not supposed to show fear or pain or hurt feelings, only show that they are smart, strong, and tough.  Some men have problems even showing love and affection either just in public or also in private.  Does that mean men don't have these hidden feelings?  Do men never fear the unknown?  Do men never experience pain from the loss of a loved one?  Do men not have their feelings hurt when a friend teases them about something close to the heart?  What happens when men age and someone younger, fresh into the work force surpasses them at their own job?  Does that not sting?

Of course men feel these things!  I am close with a lot of my male friends and I know for a fact men feel these things.  Men are human just like anyone else and they feel the full range of emotions that come with that.  When they have love or relationship problems they can be hurt and confused.  When conflicts arise at work, they can be hurt or feel inadequate. 

How do men deal with these issues if they can't even openly admit they have a problem?  Who do they talk to about it?  Do they talk to the fresh young coworker who is quickly surpassing them and risk being mocked or taken advantage of?  Do they tell their lover their most intimate fears and desires and risk being laughed at or abandoned?  Do they get advice from a trusted male companion about all these problems and feelings?  Where does a man go to even develop a trusted male companion relationship where that would be a possible conversation?

I have no answers to these questions.  I wish men had it easier.  At least women can be openly emotional and are expected to be that way.  We are given hugs when we need them.  By being allowed to express our emotions we can better sort through what we feel to fully understand what is going on inside us and what is going on outside us that has caused the emotional reaction. People sometimes look at men who can do this as being odd, feminine or straight up gay.  Showing sensitive feelings or reacting in a sensitive way can and often is viewed in a man as being weak or at least as showing weakness.  It is a total double standard.

How to Treat a Lady

Ladies are respectable creatures.  I have never really considered myself a lady though.  A proper gentleman treats a lady with proper respect: opening doors for her, pulling out chairs for her to sit down at a table, opening car doors and helping her in and out of the car. 

Why are ladies so respectable?  Why do they deserve this respect?  It may seem all "old fashioned" or maybe even now considered a disrespect to the female gender.  Women may think "I'm totally capable of doing it myself!  I don't need a man to do it for me!"

A modern lady is used to taking care of herself.  Doing it herself.  You almost need to be capable of being fully independent to function in this modern society without being stepped on or pushed around.  Today is far different than 100 years ago, even greatly different than 50 years ago.  The world has changed.  So has the view of gender roles in modern society. 

Women can now work side by side with men in any profession they choose.  Women can be the boss or even run the whole company.  Women learn math and science and are encouraged to do so.  Women can change the oil in their car.  Women can work and still raise a family if they choose.  Women can choose to not have a family.  The feminist movement has made a lot of wonderful progressive changes for women.

These changes can bring confusion too though.  While we can't argue that there are many pros to these changes, the confusion is definitely a con.  Men are taught to treat women equally.  Women are no different than men.  Women asked for this change.  The traditional forms of respect for women are kind of thrown out the door with this change.  Why should men treat women with special extra respect if women are the same as men?  Why do women get this treatment but not men?  This has been a question on my mind for a good portion of my life.

I spoke with a dear friend about this today to get his viewpoint, as he is one who opens doors for women and shows all the forms of traditional respect to women.  He had some interesting points which I had not thought of before.  Then tonight I found a good article on this very topic.  I thought it had a good answer to the question of why women are so "special":

"— women are still special — special in terms of their awesome ability to bring forth and nurture new life and to mother it to maturity, special as the irreplaceable life partners and companions without whom man could not achieve and be fulfilled, and special for their civilizing influence — the softening of our society. "

This is an interesting view.  Women are different than men.  Both genders are unique and bring different strengths to the table.  Both are equally important.  Both are needed.  I think this quote describes this very nicely. 

And while I can earn my own salary, pay my own bills, cook my own meals, purchase and take care of my own car, open my own doors, and sit down at a dinner table without assistance.... I will no longer refuse any man the right to show me this respect if he so desires. 

Mystical

A friend told me the other night that I was "mystical".  But what does "mystical" really mean?  I thought it was funny he said that, so I had to go look up what this really meant and see if he was right.

Again, Wikipedia describes it like this:

"Mysticism (from the Greek μυστικός, mystikos, an initiate of a mystery religion)^[1] is the pursuit of communion with, identity with, or conscious awareness of an ultimate reality, divinity, spiritual truth, or God through direct experience, intuition, instinct or insight. Mysticism usually centers on a practice or practices intended to nurture those experiences or awareness. Mysticism may be dualistic, maintaining a distinction between the self and the divine, or may be nondualistic."

What I gather from this definition is that someone who is being "mystical" is someone who can sense things beyond what we can see, hear, touch, measure, etc.  An extra awareness that you just feel.  This could be just that "gut feeling" you get in certain situations or maybe something greater like a tug on your heart or your mind that goes against your current plan.

My mom told me that the day her mother died, she was driving home from work and as she came upon the freeway exit for her mom's house a nudge (or small inner voice) to take the exit to go see her.  Unfortunately, my mom pushed this feeling aside.  She reassured herself that she can stop by her mom's house anytime.  My mom drove this route every day, she could (or so she thought) stop there the next day instead.  Her mom (my grandma) died that night in her sleep.  That inner voice she heard could be an example something mystical.

I often try to go with my gut feeling on things.  Listen to any small inner voices you hear.  I do believe most people "know" what is right for a given situation.  Should you take the job or not?  Should I go to college, which college, what do I study?  Is this person right for me or not?  Deep down, I believe we all know.  It's a matter of whether we listen or not.

I have not always listened to that voice, to my gut.  Sometimes it needs to be yelling at me for me to pay attention and actually take action.  Especially if the action is not easy.  But it's still very important to listen, to take action, follow your heart.  That is the only path to happiness; true genuine happiness.  We all have an optimal path to take to get to our respected destinations.  We can get off path easily when we ignore these signs.  But doesn't mean we can't jump back on course when we see what has happened and make steps to correct for it.

When I was a Christian, this same feeling was said to be from God or the Holy Spirit guiding you.  Many religions attribute their deity to this feeling.  Yet, I believe this feeling exists regardless of any religion.  The religion is just a nice way of describing and understanding it.  It can help people believe and listen.  Ultimately, it is all the same thing and all has the same purpose of helping you along your path in life.

Soul Mates

I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately, and the concept of a soul mate keeps popping to mind.  But what really is a soul mate?  Do they really exist?  Or is it just one of those concepts we tell ourselves to give hope to love?  I've gone back and forth on this myself, mostly depending on my emotional stance on relationships and love in general.  When I feel good about the idea of love I enjoy believing in soul mates.  When I feel bad or discouraged by love, I feel there couldn't be soul mates.  However, my own feeling of this doesn't change reality.

Wikipedia (the great source for all knowledge) describes soul mates as follows:

"A soulmate or soul mate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul – which is thought to be the ultimate soulmate, the one and only other half of one's soul, for which all souls are driven to find and join."

Okay... so you have a deep connection with a person.  Does that mean they are your soul mate?  If we go by the "twin flame" definition, does this mean you only have one soul mate? 

I think that we can have a semi-deep (maybe deep in some areas, but not all) connection with lots of people.  This could mean you have a physical connection to go along with this, but not necessarily.  I have lots of friends who I feel a deep connection with in some very important areas of my life yet there is no physical connection to tie in with that.  That does not make it any less important or real.  The last two people I dated I felt varying degrees of semi-deep connections with.  Neither held a full-deep connection, but they were strong enough in enough areas that the physical connection came along with that naturally.

A soul mate type of deep connection I think would be different than this.  For one, I think it would be a deep connection in most or maybe even all areas of your life and beliefs.  None of it would be forced either.  You wouldn't have to pretend to connect on some level, it would all come naturally.  And this doesn't necessarily mean you agree on everything either.  Things where you disagree would be things you can mutually respect and understand the other's view point even with not agreeing.  Secondly, I think a soul mate would have a natural ability to see into the other person's soul.  Natural ability to understand and relate, see through walls built up around your heart for protection.  See through the daily masks everyone wears to fit in, do their job, get through the day.

"One story about soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them:

[Primeval man] could walk upright as men now do, backwards or forwards as he pleased, and he could also roll over and over at a great pace, turning on his four hands and four feet, eight in all, like tumblers going over and over with their legs in the air; this was when he wanted to run fast …Terrible was their might and strength, and the thoughts of their hearts were great, and they made an attack upon the gods ... Doubt reigned in the celestial councils. Should they kill them and annihilate the race with thunderbolts, as they had done the giants, then there would be an end of the sacrifices and worship which men offered to them; but, on the other hand, the gods could not suffer their insolence to be unrestrained. At last, after a good deal of reflection, Zeus discovered a way. He said: 'I have a plan which will humble their pride and improve their manners; men shall continue to exist, but I will cut them in two and then they will be diminished in strength and increased in numbers; this will have the advantage of making them more profitable to us. They shall walk upright on two legs, and if they continue insolent and will not be quiet, I will split them again and they shall hop about on a single leg.'

—Aristophanes, Plato’s Symposium"

Now, I think it could be possible to have multiple soul mates out in the world.  But there are far less soul mates available than people you could just have a semi-deep connection with.  For that reason I don't think everyone finds their soul mate, or one of their soul mates.  It's easier to settle for a non-soul mate.  Once you have invested in someone it's hard to let that go for the possibility of meeting your soul mate some day.  And this isn't always a bad thing.  Lots of people who seem to be oddly matched have great lives together, wonderful families and create beautiful memories together.

Right now, I believe in soul mates.  I am holding out for mine.

<3

Song Flashback

Ever find a song that when played immediately throws you back to another time and place?  That was me today when I was playing around on Grooveshark looking for various songs and stumbled across this old one by Reba McEntire.  As soon as I pushed play and the first note struck my ear I was sent back in time to when I was in preschool and living in Federal Way.  Though, the flashback was even more specific. 

Back when I lived in Federal Way, my parents used to have me babysat by our neighbors Brian and Colleen Clark.  They were this wonderful couple who had a couple of kids in high school.  My mom's old friend Molly had a daughter of her own that was just a year younger than me, Amber.  Amber was also babysat with Brian and Colleen with me.  We were really good friends, hung out every day at Brian and Colleen's.  We would play all sorts of things like G.I. Joes, Micro machines, and Lincoln Logs. 

Brian and Colleen (and to me at least it seemed like the whole world) listened to country music.  So I did too.

This song took me straight back to these days.  Specifically playing Lincoln Logs in Brian and Colleen's daughter's room with my friend Amber having a blast.  Made me want to cry cause of the flood of good memories it brought back.

Colleen passed away a few years back.  I last saw her in 2000 when her and Brian came to visit Spokane.  I miss her deeply.



Always So Busy

In addition to many relationship issues going on, I have been ever crazy busy with work and with my thesis.

I was moved onto a different project in October.  The move was supposed to be "temporary", however, my boss recently told me that he didn't see how they could afford to take me off that project.  To me, that's a good sign that I'm doing well and making a difference helping the other team out.  And it is actually really fun.  High stress.  Long and crazy hours.  But I feel like I'm working on something really important.  That really helps when the going gets tough and the sleep is low.

This new project goes through December.  I'm hoping to continue to work on other similar projects after it's completed, but we will see.

On top of work, October began my crazy busy period of my thesis.  Which is great!  Feels like I have been waiting forever to make any real progress with my thesis project and now it's moving like wildfire.  I am working with a bank doing training and phishing experiments.  It's really actually rather exciting.  Lots to do, everyone involved is excited and interested in the results.  I'm really loving it. 

This month I am focused on getting the project officially re-approved through EWU's IRB committee (who oversee and approve/reject research involving human subjects).  Last Friday I submitted my new application with all the details for the updated project (cause it has changed a bunch of times due to lots of problems and complications) and this Friday the committee will actually discuss it.  I have to go back out to campus to sit around for the committee to get to my application, then listen to them discuss it, ask me and my advisor questions (assuming my advisor can make it...), then approve or reject it.  If they approve it, we continue with the project as planned.  If not... guess I will find a new project and tell the bank sorry.  That would be the worst case, but I am keeping my hopes up on this.  My bank has high hopes and is gathering all information and documents requested by the committee for me.  So here's hopin'!

Back to October... I got a second cat for my house-hold:  Zucchini.  He's adorable, sweet, kind and very friendly.  At least, toward me.  He is kind of a bully to poor Pinky.  So I have been on a quest to get the two cats to get along.  Lots of vet bills.  Lots of kitty medicine, over the counter AND perscription.  The latest has been a urinary tract infection that Pinky has.  So she has been locked in the bathroom with her private litter box, where I can give her medicine to treat the infection.  Hopefully that gets cleared up soon and doesn't need a new vet visit.

Busy busy busy.  Always so busy.  :)  At least it keeps my mind from dwelling on certain things too much.  And I do have amazing friends who help me get through my days.  I am very thankful for that.

What I Want...

My checklist for a dateable guy:

• Someone who is sweet and kind
• Has a sense of humor but doesn't always have to make fun of someone or something to enjoy it
• Will make the bedsheets in the morning
• Will pick up their dinner plate and offer to help clean up the rest of the table and kitchen
• Can cook (or will learn)
• Loves and respects other cultures
• Loves to read
• Likes horror movies
• Is nerdy, geeky and a little bit of a dork
• Can laugh at himself
• Serious when needs to be
• Knows when to have fun
• Loves cats and other animals
• Up for adventure and trying new things
• Supportive
• Loves sci-fi
• Will watch chick flicks with me
• Enjoys learning
• Family comes first
• Friends are still a top priority
• Relationships are more important than work
• Has a good work ethic
• Likes sushi (or at least isn't against it)
• Tidy
• Can say sorry (even if it isn't totally his fault)
• Trys to get along with everyone
• Social
• Bit of a feminist :)
• Likes games (video games, board games, and card games)
• Money smart, but not cheap
• Respectful
• Has their own opinions
• Is brave
• Listens to their own heart
• Spiritual (not religious per se, just has a spiritual side)
• Believes in himself
• Believes in me
• Allows me to be myself
• Loves me for me

**Edit**

• Doesn't smoke or chew tobacco
• Not an avid gun fan but believes in the right to bare arms

I am...

I am...

• kind
• gentle
• tough
• vulnerable
• sweet
• thoughtful
• caring
• dramatic
• loving
• often confused
• often blinded by love
• a libra
• seeking balance
• a hard worker
• a teacher
• a student
• a friend
• a daughter
• a mother to cats
• an animal lover
• guided by my heart
• seeking my path in life
• a believer in destiny
• a believer in fate
• a believer in true love

I am the blue eyed lady.

Purpose Change

Changing the purpose of this blog to not just be book reviews... but to be more of a journal about my life.  I used to use LiveJournal for that, but these days Google is where it's at, so here I am.  I will still include anything interesting about books I may read... and I am still on a quest to learn about relationships and will still read all the books I originally planned to with this blog plus more.

First Book: Fear of Intimacy

First book on my stack is Fear of Intimacy by Robert W. Firestone and Joyce Catlett.

The introduction and first chapter of this book talk about how people are often afraid of love and acceptance.  It goes against the grain, so to speak.  People have a hard time with positive feedback.  It's so much easier to accept negative or critical feedback.  People have a negative attitude toward themselves and it's hard to accept that someone could think otherwise. 

"... people are faced with a basic dilemma:  They must choose between investing in relationships and remaining vulnerable to possible loss and rejection, or attempting to protect themselves by retreating to an inward, defensive posture."

This quote really hit home with me.  My natural instinct is to protect myself.  Opening up in a relationship, sticking it out when the times get tough, investing time and heart does leave you vulnerable.  How do you know you have chosen the right person to invest in?  In tough times do you invest more make it work, or is it  sign that you are with the wrong person? 

One past relationship, I did try to open up my heart and soul to.  I was paid back in return by being cheated on with his ex.  With a promise that it will never happen again, I continued to invest in this relationship. The promise was then repeately broken with the same ex, and then again with a new person.  Can't help but think... "what made them better than me?" ... "what did I do wrong?" ... "am I worthy of something better?"

Thus, new relationships are hard to react in a non-defensive posture.  Easy to think less of oneself after a relationship like that.

"Our basic sense of self is formed originally in  relationship constellation tt predisposes our attitudes toward ourselves, others, and the world at large."

The whole first chapter of this book is on how people view relationships.  Group discussion from the study done the authors was recorded.  The group tended to feel that relationships unstable, rule your life, full of lies, based on desception and desperation.  Love is often confused with sex.  And we often view ourselves as failures if we can't find a mate.

Some people make big lies, some only small.  Especially in the beginning of relationships.  We want to seem cooler, smarter, more fun and exciting than we really are so we lie.  You want the other person to like and love you so bad, that it seems worth it.  Want to say what the other person wants to hear to keep them happy.  It's so easy to do... we've all done it.  Does that make it right?  No. 

Women often play "games" that are based in lies.  Play like they aren't too interested in a person to make the other person more interested.  We call it "playing hard to get".  It's typically socially acceptable as something you do.

Don't always want to be honest once you are in a relationship too.  Sometimes it may seem like the best plan of action to tell white lies on how you feel about something.  Don't want to disagree or cause an argument.  I am guilty of this.  I hate arguments and general conflict.  Can seem like the best idea to avoid them at all costs,  even if that means not being happy.  Which can lead to more lies to pretend like you are happy or content with whatever it was you originally weren't okay with, but pretended that you were.  This eventually blows up though, or at least it does for me.  After a while, you loose the ability to keep pretending and snap.  Does not make for a stable relationship.

To discuss the desperation factor... no one want to be alone.  Some more than others.  Plus, as you get older the greater the pressure to be in a serious relionship, to get married, have kids, etc.  After a certain point it becomes socially strange if you aren't married or on a good path toward marriage.  This can all lead to people settleing for someone who may not be the best choice for them.  May choose the small number of people they already know, rather than looking farther to find that "perfect" someone they really click with.

My question.. how do you really know that you click with someone?  Obviously you won't click 100% with any one person. But then the differences are what keeps things interesting, right? Mutual respect of each others differences is needed, I think, to make it work.

So then, what if you are sexually compatible?  I think this can lead to the confusion of sex and love. 

"When an initial strong sexual attraction is followed by a period of distress or conflict, it is often indicative of a relationship that has been formed based on feelings of inadequacy."

"... the combnation of love and sexuality can precipitate separation anxiety. ... the sex act itself is a real, but temporary, physical connection followed by a sharp separation.  Physical intimacy manifested by close, affectionate contact is followed by a distinct awareness of boundaries.  These separatons often foster resentment, although the anger and hostilty can be unconsious."

Sex can complicate any situation.  Especially if it's good sex and you are physically attracted to eah other.  It can blind you to all that may be wrong with the relationship.  Even bad sex can confuse things.  I stayed in bad relationship far too long because, among her reasons, of the sex.  Easy to confuse sex with love. 

Well... that's all for the introduction and first chapter.  Relationships are complicated.  What I really got out of this so far is that we need to work on ourselves first in order to have a good, healthy, happy relationship.  I sure have a lot of work to do...

Introduction

I am a woman in the IT field looking to understand relationships and love.  IT isn't exactly known for people with the best relationship or social skills.  I am making a new goal to learn all I can about relationships, love, and communication.  All things I need help with.

To accomplish this I have a stack of books on various aspects of these topics.  This blog will be used to summarize the books and what I have learned.