Karma

I believe in karma.  What goes around comes around.  Some of it I believe is so that you can gain better perspective.  See situations from a different view.  To feel and understand what another person has gone through.  You break someone's heart, your heart in turn gets broken.  You string someone along, you in turn get strung along by someone else.  Your friends watch you suffer in a situation you allow yourself to stay in, you in turn get to watch someone else go through the same thing.

Doesn't always have to be negative things which come back around.  This of course also applies to positive things.  You smile at someone, you typically will get an immediate smile in return.  Sometimes the nice things we do take time to come back around.  Sometimes it's hard to see the good things that go back and forth.  They are often small, much like a smile.  But that doesn't make them any less important.

It can be easy to lose sight of the positive things.  To focus only on the heartache you see and feel in your world. Sometimes heartache comes in strange forms, such as watching your friends find happiness while you are still searching for it.  The people you love and care about find their happy ending while you are still in the middle or even beginning of your story.  Hard not to compare and say "where's my happy ending?"

For me... music is what gets me through my day.  I have found the following song especially helpful to me.  Even when karma may be hitting you hard with negative or painful things making it seem like all is lost, this reminds me not to give up on my "happy ending."

Annagrace
"Don't Let Go"

If you're feeling down
Call on me
Hold on tight and baby don't let go
This too will pass
You've gotta believe in the power of love
So don't let go
Don't let go
Don't let go
Don't let go

Sometimes life can drive you crazy
I know how hard that it can be
When the problems come together
You've got real hard to feel at ease
Someday somewhere somehow I know
The love you want it will be there
Someday somehow
I'll will to come

If you're feeling down
Call on me
Hold on tight and baby don't let go
This too will pass
You've gotta believe in the power of love 

So don't let go
Don't let go
So don't let go
Don't let go

No I don't have all the answers
To the questions in your mind
All I know is that I love you
And your tears they will run dry
Someday somewhere somehow I know
The love you want it will be there
Someday somehow
I'll will for come

If you're feeling down
Call on me
Hold on tight and baby don't let go
This too will pass
You've gotta believe in the power of love
So don't let go
Don't let go
So don't let go
Don't let go

Most Boring Post Ever

So apparently it's been forever since I've posted... a lot has happened since 2011 began.  I'm still single (only mentioning it because it's a record for me recently...).  Although I have found love in varying degrees and also heartache in this short time.  Even now I float between a state of pure joy and total heartache on a daily basis.  All part of the emotional roller-coaster of life after a breakup I suppose.

At the moment I am keeping myself busy with activities with my awesome friends and with school.  My thesis is in full swing at the moment.  Just turned in the final paperwork to get it completely approved through the university and working on prep work to begin "phase 1" of my social engineering attacks.  Also, working on submissions to a couple conferences... one in Denmark and one in Portland.

Busyness is my friend and my enemy.  While it helps keep my mind of certain things I do not wish to ponder, it would be to my benefit to ponder such uncomfortable things about life and love and my future.  All in good time though.

Love Is...

So... how does love feel?  Real love.  Here's what I think love feels like:

• You would do anything for that person without thinking twice
• You would give anything for that person without thinking twice
• You want to be around that person all the time
• Your heart is naturally drawn toward them
• You get some flutters in your heart
• That other person brightens your day just by being around you or talking to you when they can't be near
• You want to show you are thinking of them, care for them, etc.
• You would choose that person over anyone else
• You can't picture your life without that person
• That person makes you smile that deep beautiful smile without even trying
• You want to show them love in the traditional sense... hugs, kisses, and so forth...

I found this list online for love too that I think is great.
http://pure-essence.net/fun/cute-and-fun/you-know-its-love-when/

I like this point from that list best:

"Remember that you don’t choose love. LOVE CHOOSES YOU. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in anyway you can. This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them. Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do."

The Origin of Love

Thanks to Sara for pointing me to this.

When the earth was still flat
And clouds made of fire
And mountains stretched up to the sky
Sometimes higher
Folks roamed the earth like big rolling kegs
They had two sets of arms
They had two sets of legs
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read
And they never knew nothing of love
It was before the origin of love
The origin of love

And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back
Called the children of the sun
And similiar in shape and girth
Was the children of the earth
They looked like two girls rolled up in one
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork stuck on a spoon
They were part sun, part earth, part daughter, part son
The origin of love

Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said "I'm gonna kill them all with my hammer
Like I killed the giants"
But the Zeus said "No
You better let me use my lightning like scissors
Like I cut the legs off the whales
Dinosaurs into lizards"
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh
Said "I'll split them right down the middle
Gonna cut them right up in half"
And the storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire.

And then fire shot down from the sky in bolts
Like shining blades of a knife
And it ripped right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun and the moon
And the earth
And some Indian god sewed the wound up
Into a hole
Pulled it 'round to our bellies
To remind us the price we pay
And Osiris and the gods of the nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane
To scatter us away
in a flood of wind and rain
And a sea of tidal waves
To wash us all away
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
We'll be hopping around on one foot
And looking through one eye

Last time I saw you
We just split in two
You was looking at me
I was looking at you
You had a way so familiar
But I could not recognize
'cause you had blood in your face
And I had blood in my eyes
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine
That's the pain
That cuts a straight line down through the heart
We call it love
We wrapped our arms around each other
Trying to shove ourselves back together
We were making love
Making love
It was a cold dark evening such a long time ago
When by the mighty hand of Jove
It was a sad story how we became
Lonely two-legged creatures
It's the story
The origin of love
That's the origin of love.

Gender Graphic

Men Have Feelings Too

Sometimes our "modern" culture really bothers me.  What does our culture teach us about gender roles?  Girls are still raised and taught to be sweet and nice -- "sugar and spice and everything nice."  Girls are not supposed to get dirty or play rough.  Girls are given dolls to play with, often baby dolls.  Boys are rough, tough and dirty -- "boys will be boys."  Boys are told to go play outside and are expected to climb trees, play in the mud and get into trouble.

As boys and girls grow older, we "learn" that girls are sensitive and emotional, talk a lot, and will often want to combine the two by talking about how they feel.  We also "learn" that boys are incapable of talking about their emotions, they are tough and don't get hurt feelings.  Is this reality though or just what we are trained to believe and ultimately conform to?  Nature verses nurture...

I believe this is more nurture than nature.  There are other societies where men are allowed to be sensitive and emotional.  These traits can even be viewed as a strength in both genders.  I think our general cultural belief that men are not supposed to be this way actually hurts us more than we realize.  Men are forced into a box of "masculinity" where they are not supposed to show fear or pain or hurt feelings, only show that they are smart, strong, and tough.  Some men have problems even showing love and affection either just in public or also in private.  Does that mean men don't have these hidden feelings?  Do men never fear the unknown?  Do men never experience pain from the loss of a loved one?  Do men not have their feelings hurt when a friend teases them about something close to the heart?  What happens when men age and someone younger, fresh into the work force surpasses them at their own job?  Does that not sting?

Of course men feel these things!  I am close with a lot of my male friends and I know for a fact men feel these things.  Men are human just like anyone else and they feel the full range of emotions that come with that.  When they have love or relationship problems they can be hurt and confused.  When conflicts arise at work, they can be hurt or feel inadequate. 

How do men deal with these issues if they can't even openly admit they have a problem?  Who do they talk to about it?  Do they talk to the fresh young coworker who is quickly surpassing them and risk being mocked or taken advantage of?  Do they tell their lover their most intimate fears and desires and risk being laughed at or abandoned?  Do they get advice from a trusted male companion about all these problems and feelings?  Where does a man go to even develop a trusted male companion relationship where that would be a possible conversation?

I have no answers to these questions.  I wish men had it easier.  At least women can be openly emotional and are expected to be that way.  We are given hugs when we need them.  By being allowed to express our emotions we can better sort through what we feel to fully understand what is going on inside us and what is going on outside us that has caused the emotional reaction. People sometimes look at men who can do this as being odd, feminine or straight up gay.  Showing sensitive feelings or reacting in a sensitive way can and often is viewed in a man as being weak or at least as showing weakness.  It is a total double standard.

How to Treat a Lady

Ladies are respectable creatures.  I have never really considered myself a lady though.  A proper gentleman treats a lady with proper respect: opening doors for her, pulling out chairs for her to sit down at a table, opening car doors and helping her in and out of the car. 

Why are ladies so respectable?  Why do they deserve this respect?  It may seem all "old fashioned" or maybe even now considered a disrespect to the female gender.  Women may think "I'm totally capable of doing it myself!  I don't need a man to do it for me!"

A modern lady is used to taking care of herself.  Doing it herself.  You almost need to be capable of being fully independent to function in this modern society without being stepped on or pushed around.  Today is far different than 100 years ago, even greatly different than 50 years ago.  The world has changed.  So has the view of gender roles in modern society. 

Women can now work side by side with men in any profession they choose.  Women can be the boss or even run the whole company.  Women learn math and science and are encouraged to do so.  Women can change the oil in their car.  Women can work and still raise a family if they choose.  Women can choose to not have a family.  The feminist movement has made a lot of wonderful progressive changes for women.

These changes can bring confusion too though.  While we can't argue that there are many pros to these changes, the confusion is definitely a con.  Men are taught to treat women equally.  Women are no different than men.  Women asked for this change.  The traditional forms of respect for women are kind of thrown out the door with this change.  Why should men treat women with special extra respect if women are the same as men?  Why do women get this treatment but not men?  This has been a question on my mind for a good portion of my life.

I spoke with a dear friend about this today to get his viewpoint, as he is one who opens doors for women and shows all the forms of traditional respect to women.  He had some interesting points which I had not thought of before.  Then tonight I found a good article on this very topic.  I thought it had a good answer to the question of why women are so "special":

"— women are still special — special in terms of their awesome ability to bring forth and nurture new life and to mother it to maturity, special as the irreplaceable life partners and companions without whom man could not achieve and be fulfilled, and special for their civilizing influence — the softening of our society. "

This is an interesting view.  Women are different than men.  Both genders are unique and bring different strengths to the table.  Both are equally important.  Both are needed.  I think this quote describes this very nicely. 

And while I can earn my own salary, pay my own bills, cook my own meals, purchase and take care of my own car, open my own doors, and sit down at a dinner table without assistance.... I will no longer refuse any man the right to show me this respect if he so desires.